Wednesday, 21 August 2013


It's weird how you want me, what I have to do to make them see
I had to make myself over to make myself real in their eyes
Thinking I've changed so much
When it's the same old brand new me
I keep my stuff quiet
I smile when I have to
And secretly I wonder what it all means
As I see them tearing apart at the seams
But I'm still that boy that needed joy
And time and space and all those things
I wish you could let me deal with my emotions in private
I can only cope with fate
I think because love left me
And if never exhausted
Taunted, wanted, sauntered on
My lies, my truth, every part of me
On and on, the pleasure and the hidden pain, the gift that keeps on giving
For everything I though I could gain
For every day you deign
Care for me, leave me
It's all part of the circle
I know and I can't be bothered
Oh father, you have a lot to answer for
You know I'm not so free
So I imagine that I care
I know I will take him there
Spinning around and around
Closer and closer
To what I thought I could be
Do you even get my references?
Do you even get me?
I've been split into a million pieces 
But I always come back together
Maybe I've been trying to find meaning in all this
Because there was never any there
Just a series of unfortunate events
We all tried to make each other liable
Inflicting the pain for sins, real and imagined
When everyone was just trying to get by
The only way we knew how
I had a fever, I conspired and dreamed big
It was just me, it was the grief taking over, 
it was all I knew and yet more than I could take
I thought my mind was fake, I knew it was all so fucked up
I wiped them from my life
But little traces still exist
The disconnect spurs me on
I can't write like this any longer
They no longer live with me now in this place
The lingering embrace is more than I can bear
I know this because I was there.
Break the pattern, know you, love you
It gets faster but easier as time goes by
The same mistakes coming back over and over, you finally learn
All the places I had to go to get meaning
What I want for my life
Would God recognise me?

Wednesday, 3 April 2013


Style and fashion is a very personal journey. It is representative of your own individual spirit.

For me personally I would define my style as a zeitgeist of sorts. I like emo, preppy and athletic fashions. I like understated elegance. For example, I mix a burberry cashmere jumper with comfy  marks and spencer black sweatpants and a McQueen scarf with my trusty Burberry duffle coat for going to the airport/errands/whatever. Now you know my favourite designers. I tend to either shop at Primark or ebay or go Mr Porter.  

I invest in key pieces that are versatile and beautiful. I always believed that the devil is in the detail. I have fallen in love with a pair of Hugo Boss fur lined boots which they killed my bloody feet. I managed to wear them in with the help of thick socks and a shoe stretcher.

But above everything else it must be wearable. I don’t like anything that is too flashy, tacky, tight or ‘labelly’ (perhaps with the exception of Louis Vuitton Damier Graphite checkboard print bag and wallet. But its LV, some rules just have to be broken!)

 I tend to buy striped and plain jumpers and t’s in primark because I find them really stylish and I think other high street shops *cough TOPMAN* are overpriced. I like quality, which is why I tend to go designer with some things because you simply cannot find the quality and design elsewhere at a lower price point.

I have an affinity with certain designers that I would invest in key pieces for.

Marc by Marc Jacobs (I find the diffusion line better than the main Marc Jacob’s line with an emo/preppy twist that I love)

Burberry; Brit, London and Prorsum – jumpers, bags, coats and scarves are ALL amazing.

 Alexander McQueen. LOVE this luxe bomber!

With the cold weather I have been wearing comfy oversize jumpers and sweatpants or Adidas/Canterbury leggings or pj bottoms for being at home or working out at home. I am a die hard fan of Asics trainers (amazingly comfortable and supportive) and you can get them in some pretty cool designs. Who says sporty can't be stylish?

I bought two gorgeous Burberry cashmere jumpers which are amazing but I have been told M&S do some great ones as well and even to check out their cashmillion line which I will do and report back!

On my downtime, I like to wear gym clothes even if im just running errands. I only dress up when I have to and like a relaxed but stylish look.

So there you go, my personal style (for what its worth lol)

As Heidi Klum says in Project Runway *german accent* 'In Fashion, You are either in or you are out' 


- Bold colours (blue is the colour du jour this season)
- Prints (camo as well, although I am a bit on the fence on this one!)
- Tailoring
- bomber jackets
- leather detail on jumpers/tops/trousers
- luxe sweatshirts
- I hope and pray the day of the deep v is over!
- Metallic (not sold on this one either)
- animal print & portfolio/phone/tablet cases - Burberry Prorsum had the most amazing leopard print ipad mini case (for £400 - BARGAIN lol) I think I will wait until it filters down to the high street but still a beautiful case!


Saturday, 26 January 2013

Te Amo

The psychology of letting go
For what we see, it could only come to be
Find your love, find your truth
For once we could be kind to us
I was more than they made of me
But that was an elusive truth I could never see
The games people play, such things you could never say
I know that I was loved, I could hold it in the palm of my hand,
Everything in you was true
I am sad that I let go but I need to do this alone, for this is mine
It all lies in you, you know what to do
I know what is at stake
There is only so much I can take
I may be many things but I am not fake
Move towards the light because of what I am sick and tired of trying to fight,
It haunts my dreams, my waking hours, what they did
It fucked me up
I can always sense the empty aftertaste
It leaves me wanting more of something else
Something solid, all the pieces of me can yield to
Just looking for some affirmation
Lost in life, lost in my own sexuality
He made me feel so low, like an act of terrorism
You see, ive been thinking about all the things I never had, what my soul longs for,
A place where God lives eternally, where beauty has grace,
How we can feel free and just be
The man who is mine, forever entwined
Sorry if thats cliche but I like to dream in colour
All this time, I see it all so clearly now
I will see you again when the pain has passed,
For our sins we will pay
Until there is nothing left of yesterday

Monday, 31 December 2012

Same old brand new me

Time is running out to be free
I lied and I tried
If I could only overcome the trauma
Here I am, something old, something new
I don’t know what is true
When the old guard went away, when the ropes binding me were cut I felt free
Find your own happiness, a journey no one else can call their own
Break those messed up ties, say those bittersweet goodbyes
For what is it all worth?
Never look back
I felt so lost, like I was behind glass
Mary Jane was my only friend
Dont let them win for we are worth so much more
I’m not indulging in the drama, im not even going to scream back at you
All the schemes, you can play on, you can think or say whatever,
I am past caring
I can only fast forward to the inevitable collapse and I want more than that
Try, just don’t die

*Keep your side of the street clean*

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Present tense

Funny how life can be deceiving
They walked away from me when I was bleeding and broken
Don't worry, I wouldn't do the same to you
I won't rob you of your humanity or use your past as a lethal weapon
I thank you for being who you are
When you cross that bridge of fire, I will pray you go safely
I know we are better than this, its more than friendships oblique masquerade
As I say goodbye to whatever it was I thought I had defined for me
Trying to reach outside of me and finding it wanting
I see so many past lives as I try to live in the present
I questioned until I could ask no more
There were no answers, just white noise and trauma
The unresolved plays over and over
The needle scratches and slips
I miss what we had, I miss my secrets
Dragged out into the light
All the pain I tried to fight
Maybe now I can heal
Stop playing the blame game
I will love you for who you are
Will you do the same for me?

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Poetry and Pathos II

We climbed a mountain together
Had our first date on a beach
Everything I had been suppressing came to the surface
I didn’t want to go through heartbreak, every finale the soul can make
I was betrayed, but the culprit was me
I let the idiots make me feel worthless
I let addiction control my fate
It’s the empty nights that pain the most
The only one, the only one I ever wanted
I want to burn this pain away, this longing
Just to lie beside you, see your shadow fall into mine
God make this feeling so true, become in you
I watch quietly, I wait here ever so still
I say nothing because its bigger than me
The only one, the only one I ever wanted
It presses on me so much, how it feels to be taunted
I made myself over, if only you could see me then
I was drinking wine, passing the time
 I will swallow down the happy pills, suppress the darkness
No longer in the middle of my own perfect storm
Anger, abuse, betrayal, just to name a few
Watch me as I smile, ever so controlled
You can never know where I have been,
The depths I have plumbed
I smile and make myself picture fucking perfect
No one ever said it was easy though
When times were hard, I had to look inside me
I was standing there on my own
Those technicolour moments I can never get back,
Innocence interspersed with sparkling memories of joy
It all lies here in me, like pandoras box
Only one difference, hope still resides
Its time, time to let you go
For only you can ever know 
Know that I wait for the salty sweetness of you.

Monday, 27 August 2012