STYLE

Style and fashion is a very personal journey. It is representative of your own individual spirit.

For me personally I would define my style as a zeitgeist of sorts. I like emo, preppy and athletic fashions. I like understated elegance. For example, I mix a burberry cashmere jumper with comfy  marks and spencer black sweatpants and a McQueen scarf with my trusty Burberry duffle coat for going to the airport/errands/whatever. Now you know my favourite designers. I tend to either shop at Primark or ebay or go Mr Porter.  

I invest in key pieces that are versatile and beautiful. I always believed that the devil is in the detail. I have fallen in love with a pair of Hugo Boss fur lined boots which they killed my bloody feet. I managed to wear them in with the help of thick socks and a shoe stretcher.

But above everything else it must be wearable. I don’t like anything that is too flashy, tacky, tight or ‘labelly’ (perhaps with the exception of Louis Vuitton Damier Graphite checkboard print bag and wallet. But its LV, some rules just have to be broken!)

 I tend to buy striped and plain jumpers and t’s in primark because I find them really stylish and I think other high street shops *cough TOPMAN* are overpriced. I like quality, which is why I tend to go designer with some things because you simply cannot find the quality and design elsewhere at a lower price point.

I have an affinity with certain designers that I would invest in key pieces for.

Marc by Marc Jacobs (I find the diffusion line better than the main Marc Jacob’s line with an emo/preppy twist that I love)

Burberry; Brit, London and Prorsum – jumpers, bags, coats and scarves are ALL amazing.

 Alexander McQueen. LOVE this luxe bomber!

ACNE. 

With the cold weather I have been wearing comfy oversize jumpers and sweatpants or Adidas/Canterbury leggings or pj bottoms for being at home or working out at home. I am a die hard fan of Asics trainers (amazingly comfortable and supportive) and you can get them in some pretty cool designs. Who says sporty can't be stylish?

I bought two gorgeous Burberry cashmere jumpers which are amazing but I have been told M&S do some great ones as well and even to check out their cashmillion line which I will do and report back!

On my downtime, I like to wear gym clothes even if im just running errands. I only dress up when I have to and like a relaxed but stylish look.

So there you go, my personal style (for what its worth lol)

As Heidi Klum says in Project Runway *german accent* 'In Fashion, You are either in or you are out' 

MENSWEAR TRENDS

- Bold colours (blue is the colour du jour this season)
- Prints (camo as well, although I am a bit on the fence on this one!)
- Tailoring
- bomber jackets
- leather detail on jumpers/tops/trousers
- luxe sweatshirts

- I hope and pray the day of the deep v is over!
- Metallic (not sold on this one either)
- animal print & portfolio/phone/tablet cases - Burberry Prorsum had the most amazing leopard print ipad mini case (for £400 - BARGAIN lol) I think I will wait until it filters down to the high street but still a beautiful case!

FALL IN LOVE, NOT IN LINE!

note to self

Now that the heavy stuff has been aired, its time to look on the lighter side of life!

I need new gym clothes. I like to go for an LA vibe where its almost hipster body con. Been trying to get Livestrong shorts (dri fit tech is v important for sweating), need some t shirts, need running leggings, hugo boss rabbit fur trimmed boots and some primark essentials!

Things are good, im working out, wearing vest tops again, could really do with some better weather though.

I will add my style inspiration as it strikes!

I have been thinking...

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just thought of me. I have learnt so much, the sadness in my heart is trumped by a desire to start anew with something I can really hold on to. This is not some sad emo 'poor me' diatribe. I am so bloody lucky and grateful for a lot, being sober, a loving family and some amazing friends, my masters and law degree. I had a lot to prove. When you accepted me. something changed. I am not the same person anymore but he's part of me.

I don't ever forget those people that helped me and enriched my life. They are in my heart and I am there for them if they need me because I keep what I have by giving it away. I don't want to bear grudges and fight with people. Love and anger are very closely related. But life is eventful and things change. There is a reason for everything. Ultimately its about the choices we make and the people we let into our lives. I can forgive but some things I will never forget. But my mind and my heart is open and renewed.

Self obsession is a bitch. Its important to have a perspective but we all do this, life, for we have something, we want, we love, we try, we mess up, we wonder. Perspective and respect. Thats what they told us in AA. Im very happy not drinking. Life is about choices, I admit I have made some bad ones but I only tried my best to do what was right at that time. Its like a model of Moore's Law to measure human innovation. But at the same time, I made some good ones, I tried to protect myself after such a violation. My perspective has been shadowed and I am cleaning house and making good choices for what led me here was me. And its a good place to be. I thank God for everything.

Amanda Bynes is cool. I get her energy.

x

`

Te Amo

The psychology of letting go
For what we see, it could only come to be
Find your love, find your truth
For once we could be kind to us
I was more than they made of me
But that was an elusive truth I could never see
The games people play, such things you could never say
I know that I was loved, I could hold it in the palm of my hand,
Everything in you was true
I am sad that I let go but I need to do this alone, for this is mine
It all lies in you, you know what to do
I know what is at stake
There is only so much I can take
I may be many things but I am not fake
Move towards the light because of what I am sick and tired of trying to fight,
It haunts my dreams, my waking hours, what they did
It fucked me up
I can always sense the empty aftertaste
It leaves me wanting more of something else
Something solid, all the pieces of me can yield to
Just looking for some affirmation
Lost in life, lost in my own sexuality
He made me feel so low, like an act of terrorism
You see, ive been thinking about all the things I never had, what my soul longs for,
A place where God lives eternally, where beauty has grace,
How we can feel free and just be
The man who is mine, forever entwined
Sorry if thats cliche but I like to dream in colour
All this time, I see it all so clearly now
I will see you again when the pain has passed,
For our sins we will pay
Until there is nothing left of yesterday

Same old brand new me

Time is running out to be free

I lied and I tried

If I could only overcome the trauma

Here I am, something old, something new

I don’t know what is true

When the old guard went away, when the ropes binding me were cut I felt free

Find your own happiness, a journey no one else can call their own

Break those messed up ties, say those bittersweet goodbyes

For what is it all worth?

Never look back

I felt so lost, like I was behind glass

Mary Jane was my only friend

Dont let them win for we are worth so much more

I’m not indulging in the drama, im not even going to scream back at you

All the schemes, you can play on, you can think or say whatever,

I am past caring

I can only fast forward to the inevitable collapse and I want more than that

Try, just don’t die


*Keep your side of the street clean*

Present tense

Funny how life can be deceiving
They walked away from me when I was bleeding and broken
Don't worry, I wouldn't do the same to you
I won't rob you of your humanity or use your past as a lethal weapon
I thank you for being who you are
When you cross that bridge of fire, I will pray you go safely
I know we are better than this, its more than friendships oblique masquerade
As I say goodbye to whatever it was I thought I had defined for me
Trying to reach outside of me and finding it wanting
I see so many past lives as I try to live in the present
I questioned until I could ask no more
There were no answers, just white noise and trauma
The unresolved plays over and over
The needle scratches and slips
I miss what we had, I miss my secrets
Dragged out into the light
All the pain I tried to fight
Maybe now I can heal
Stop playing the blame game
I will love you for who you are
Will you do the same for me?

Poetry and Pathos II

We climbed a mountain together

Had our first date on a beach

Everything I had been suppressing came to the surface

I didn’t want to go through heartbreak, every finale the soul can make

I was betrayed, but the culprit was me

I let the idiots make me feel worthless

I let addiction control my fate

It’s the empty nights that pain the most

The only one, the only one I ever wanted

I want to burn this pain away, this longing

Just to lie beside you, see your shadow fall into mine

God make this feeling so true, become in you

I watch quietly, I wait here ever so still

I say nothing because its bigger than me

The only one, the only one I ever wanted

It presses on me so much, how it feels to be taunted

I made myself over, if only you could see me then

I was drinking wine, passing the time

 I will swallow down the happy pills, suppress the darkness

No longer in the middle of my own perfect storm

Anger, abuse, betrayal, just to name a few

Watch me as I smile, ever so controlled

You can never know where I have been,

The depths I have plumbed

I smile and make myself picture fucking perfect

No one ever said it was easy though

When times were hard, I had to look inside me
I was standing there on my own

Those technicolour moments I can never get back,

Innocence interspersed with sparkling memories of joy

It all lies here in me, like pandoras box

Only one difference, hope still resides

Its time, time to let you go

For only you can ever know 

Know that I wait for the salty sweetness of you.